SURVIVORS SPEAK
"My ex husband and two youngest kids's father beat me like a man. He would punch and kick me. He pulled my hair. Threw me against the wall and even bruised my ribs to the point they were almost broke. He pulled a gun on me and a knife several times. I want my story to be heard." Age at time 23 - 26
"I didn't understand at all what was happening. I was told to not tell so I didn't."
Age at time 4 - 9
"My father, we much later learned, had undiagnosed, untreated bipolar disorder. The fact that he suffered from mental illness is a factor in this story but it only served to amplify the underlying misogyny that existed quite separately. He was eccentric, but more or less normal, although definitely sexist, for months at a time and then would flip, like a switch got turned on, and be a raging, menacing maniac for like 6 months at a time. He was obsessed with controlling my mother's every move and obsessed with what he perceived as insults or episodes of humiliation to his fragile sense of self. All of his hostility and threats were directed toward my mother and her mother, which was terrifying to me. When he was in this mode, he would not sleep at night, raging and making threats. I had to be the body guard, even when I was very little, and jump in between them; sometimes I had to physically attack him and pull him off, which would ironically scare him. My mother and grandmother were very small women and my father was huge and they would never even attempt to fight back. There was a gun in the house and he threatened to kill them on many occasions. I spent my whole life in fear (until the day he died) that he would kill them."
Age at time 4 - 9
"When I was 12, I went to the pediatrician with my mom. The doctor didn't have any staff, not even a nurse. He said he had to do an exam to see how I was developing. My mom asked if she should come in the room and he said no. He said that most girls would be too embarrassed to have their mom there. So I went in alone. He kept the lights off and told me to put on a paper gown. He went into another room and changed into a loose medical top that was long. He told me sit at the edge of table and slowly pulled the tie (like he was a lover, not a doctor). He told me to lie down on the table. He went around and around the table rubbing his hands on me. Then he sat down with his face level with hip and touched me between the legs. He said official sounding things but he was breathing heavily. I think he was jerking off. He kissed my leg a couple of times. I felt so ashamed. I don't remember what happened after that. My mom could tell something was wrong and kept asking me what happened, but I couldn't tell her. A year later when we moved to a different town, I got up the nerve to tell her and she just said she had heard things about him. I felt destroyed. She didn't seem to care, but maybe she was just uncomfortable. The pervert's bad eyes haunted me for years. I used to bash ice into my eyes until they were black and blue when I was a teen. When my daughter reached the age I was when it happened, I would cry for no reason. Finally I went to therapy and faced what happened. I was going to press charges, but I found out the doctor had died. I went to a Facebook group for my town to find other victims, but some people didn't believe me and called me a liar. I deleted my post."
Age at time 10 - 12
"I was looking for a place to live in XXXXXX and looked at one of the bulletin boards in the local market (in those days we used bulletin boards as there was no Internet). A friendly-looking young man said he knew of a place for rent nearby and we could walk there. It was the middle of the day so I thought it would be safe to walk a couple blocks. We chatted a bot on our walk. After a few blocks he said he wanted to just stop at a friend's house briefly to see about something he was borrowing from the friend. We went in through a gate, through a yard, and up to the door. No one was home. On the way back to the yard he grabbed me from behind and held a knife to my neck. Long story so I won't go into all the details, but I basically talked my way out of it by remaining calm and sort of taking control of the situation mentally. (Which isn't always possible of course – but with this fellow it was.) We talked some as I was trying to extricate myself from his presence (since we were still in a yard), and it was evident that he had been wanting or hoping for sex but was confused about what he was doing. We parted ways outside the yard, and I immediately went to call the police. This is the really oppressive part of the story in my opinion: A cop came and drove me around looking for this guy and we couldn't find him. During the drive he kept asking me whether the perl had touched me sexually. He asked too many times. I got angry and rebuffed the cop and he shut up about it. But it's an example of the authorities – often male – having a prurient interest in the victim of a potential sexual abuse situation. The whole thing was terrifying as I had a knife right next to my jugular during part of this encounter. I was traumatized and didn't need a cop asking lascivious questions inappropriately and repeatedly. This may sound truly bizarre to some people, but I felt much more angry at the cop than the young guy who grabbed me. The perpetrator seemed confused and possibly mentally off-balance. The cop was supposedly in his right mind and shouldn't have been abusing his power and position that way." Age at time 19 - 22
"I did not think of it as rape until years later and never told my travelling companions. But the fact is I had no choice and was not asked." Age at time 19 - 22
"My ex husband and two youngest kids's father beat me like a man. He would punch and kick me. He pulled my hair. Threw me against the wall and even bruised my ribs to the point they were almost broke. He pulled a gun on me and a knife several times. I want my story to be heard." Age at time 23 - 26
"I didn't understand at all what was happening. I was told to not tell so I didn't."
Age at time 4 - 9
"My father, we much later learned, had undiagnosed, untreated bipolar disorder. The fact that he suffered from mental illness is a factor in this story but it only served to amplify the underlying misogyny that existed quite separately. He was eccentric, but more or less normal, although definitely sexist, for months at a time and then would flip, like a switch got turned on, and be a raging, menacing maniac for like 6 months at a time. He was obsessed with controlling my mother's every move and obsessed with what he perceived as insults or episodes of humiliation to his fragile sense of self. All of his hostility and threats were directed toward my mother and her mother, which was terrifying to me. When he was in this mode, he would not sleep at night, raging and making threats. I had to be the body guard, even when I was very little, and jump in between them; sometimes I had to physically attack him and pull him off, which would ironically scare him. My mother and grandmother were very small women and my father was huge and they would never even attempt to fight back. There was a gun in the house and he threatened to kill them on many occasions. I spent my whole life in fear (until the day he died) that he would kill them."
Age at time 4 - 9
"When I was 12, I went to the pediatrician with my mom. The doctor didn't have any staff, not even a nurse. He said he had to do an exam to see how I was developing. My mom asked if she should come in the room and he said no. He said that most girls would be too embarrassed to have their mom there. So I went in alone. He kept the lights off and told me to put on a paper gown. He went into another room and changed into a loose medical top that was long. He told me sit at the edge of table and slowly pulled the tie (like he was a lover, not a doctor). He told me to lie down on the table. He went around and around the table rubbing his hands on me. Then he sat down with his face level with hip and touched me between the legs. He said official sounding things but he was breathing heavily. I think he was jerking off. He kissed my leg a couple of times. I felt so ashamed. I don't remember what happened after that. My mom could tell something was wrong and kept asking me what happened, but I couldn't tell her. A year later when we moved to a different town, I got up the nerve to tell her and she just said she had heard things about him. I felt destroyed. She didn't seem to care, but maybe she was just uncomfortable. The pervert's bad eyes haunted me for years. I used to bash ice into my eyes until they were black and blue when I was a teen. When my daughter reached the age I was when it happened, I would cry for no reason. Finally I went to therapy and faced what happened. I was going to press charges, but I found out the doctor had died. I went to a Facebook group for my town to find other victims, but some people didn't believe me and called me a liar. I deleted my post."
Age at time 10 - 12
"I was looking for a place to live in XXXXXX and looked at one of the bulletin boards in the local market (in those days we used bulletin boards as there was no Internet). A friendly-looking young man said he knew of a place for rent nearby and we could walk there. It was the middle of the day so I thought it would be safe to walk a couple blocks. We chatted a bot on our walk. After a few blocks he said he wanted to just stop at a friend's house briefly to see about something he was borrowing from the friend. We went in through a gate, through a yard, and up to the door. No one was home. On the way back to the yard he grabbed me from behind and held a knife to my neck. Long story so I won't go into all the details, but I basically talked my way out of it by remaining calm and sort of taking control of the situation mentally. (Which isn't always possible of course – but with this fellow it was.) We talked some as I was trying to extricate myself from his presence (since we were still in a yard), and it was evident that he had been wanting or hoping for sex but was confused about what he was doing. We parted ways outside the yard, and I immediately went to call the police. This is the really oppressive part of the story in my opinion: A cop came and drove me around looking for this guy and we couldn't find him. During the drive he kept asking me whether the perl had touched me sexually. He asked too many times. I got angry and rebuffed the cop and he shut up about it. But it's an example of the authorities – often male – having a prurient interest in the victim of a potential sexual abuse situation. The whole thing was terrifying as I had a knife right next to my jugular during part of this encounter. I was traumatized and didn't need a cop asking lascivious questions inappropriately and repeatedly. This may sound truly bizarre to some people, but I felt much more angry at the cop than the young guy who grabbed me. The perpetrator seemed confused and possibly mentally off-balance. The cop was supposedly in his right mind and shouldn't have been abusing his power and position that way." Age at time 19 - 22
"I did not think of it as rape until years later and never told my travelling companions. But the fact is I had no choice and was not asked." Age at time 19 - 22
